CLACTON BY-ELECTION UPDATE



BREAKING: Count Binface to Farage — "I’ll fix the hand dryer"

      A statement from Count Binface, the only candidate currently challenging Reform leader Nigel Farage in the upcoming Clacton By-Election.

A SCANDAL THAT MUST BE SOLVED

Loyal Countbinistas will know that I don’t just solve intergalactic trade disputes. I also sweat the local stuff too. On Earth, one of my key policy pledges is the DISGRACEFUL location of the hand dryer in the gents’ urinals at the Crown & Treaty pub in Uxbridge, West London. I pledge that if I am elected to public office I will move it to a more sensible position, so that this tiny part of the galaxy can have peace, justice, and less danger of splash-back.

In a remarkable coincidence, I was lunching today with my friends Paul and Mike in the Crown & Treaty in Uxbridge.



     As former intrepid Reuters journalists we were again in the right place at the right time. And we weren’t going to miss an exclusive. So, when nature called, we went to investigate...


     Indeed, this does appear to be an issue of huge importance. And a problem Farage is unlikely to solve. So Count Binface would certainly get our vote. Especially as his manifesto contains other vital pledges:

         ·         Price-cap a 99 Flake ice cream at 99p

·         Build “at least one affordable house” in Clacton

·         Bring back Ceefax

·         Nationalise Adele

·         Make Claudia Winkleman’s fringe Grade-I listed

·         National service for all former prime ministers

     Count Binface is calling himself a “unity candidate” and says his main appeal is simply that he’s not Nigel Farage. He’s also admitted he’ll “probably not” win.
     However, in the 2024 General Election, Farage won with 46.2% of the vote - with over 50% being split between four other parties. None of them intend to stand this time around, leaving Binface with a sporting chance of causing an upset - and a lot of merriment.

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